Diversion Tactics

At 5:30 AM I cross Delaware Ave at E Columbia and head into a moonlit Penn Treaty Park. I never do this, though I’m not really sure why. As soon as I loop back to Del Ave I sense something strange, but what is it? Something’s different here, but I can’t put my finger on it. Wait a minute. What’s up with all the traffic? It’s worse than evening rush hour out here and at this point I realize that one of two possible scenarios is taking place.

A) I’ve stepped through a time portal into a warm January evening, and my clock is referring to 5:30 PM instead of AM. More likely something else is going on, something more serious.

B) A flabbergasted financier from a particular Wall St firm pulled the plug to the Universal Drain in an attempt to flush his/her dubious balance sheet. Incidentally, the Universal Drain exists in the only place on Earth where the Earth is still flat, and you have to take the freight elevator to the 13th floor of this particular firm to get there. When the bone-headed broker pulled the plug, the planet’s water supply immediately started dwindling. This explains why the Delaware River ferry at Penn’s Landing is docked much lower than normal. I knew it. That sign that reads “50 elephants aboard this vessel” is merely a diversion tactic.

In an attempt to bottle the last of the dwindling water supply, the world population has undertaken an overnight pilgrimage to a particular casino’s planned development site, which happens to be on N Delaware Ave, and also happens to be the last accessible source of fresh water on Earth. Explains all the traffic, tractor trailers especially. Ironically, the spigot lies within the perimeter of an 18th century British military fort, and the Historical Society has prohibited any tampering with the site. Shucks.

46 min and 5-¼ miles later, I realize that the real source of all the traffic is the closure of I-95, and that the reason the ferry is docked so low is because the river is tidal. Ebbs and flows. Back to reality.

Figured to shake myself out of this lucid state I’d better get back to my core routine, so I take baby steps.

[3 x 20 pushups, 3 x 20 situps, 3 x 12 single leg squats]